Sons and Moms…my lesson learned.

Posted on January 3, 2012 by Donya

My son “TD” and nephew “J” attended their first lock in dance on Saturday to bring in the New Year 2012…

Saturday morning was more about the hustle and bustle for TD to getting his chores done, raising enough money to attend the dance, and then finding that perfect outfit to wear with matching hat, watch, socks, and of course the tennis shoe. My husband and I had been working with TD all year long on getting his chores done timely (not at the last minute) and doing them right the first time so that he won’t have to redo them again. You would think that the reward of attending the lock in would be motivation enough.  I know it’s our ongoing parental role to consistently stay on top of not letting our son get away with half-way completed chores. What good would that teach him if we let him get away with that?  It translates over to his school work, team sports, social activities, and respect for himself and others.

After TD washed his Dad’s truck, his Sister’s car (with corrections to re-wash the missed spots, tires, and bumpers), vacuumed the house up and downstairs, and cleaned his room, he then asked to go to the barber shop for a hair cut that would look good underneath the “snap back hat” he wanted to wear that night. As time was running out, I negotiated for my car to be washed (should have been 2 car washes, the hair cut with tip was $20) later in the week.

So, after his shower, dose of cologne, quick check in the full length mirror, TD was ready to go with his cousin J to the lock in. Oh, but before leaving…picture time was a must for my sister, Yvette, my Sister-in-law, and me.  After the third requested pose the boys were well annoyed and wanted to leave. I quickly whispered to Yvette, “Okay, make sure you give them the final talk about girls, safety in numbers, and having each other’s back when you’re all in the car”.  Finally they were on their way and I got back to the guests that we were entertaining for New Year’s Eve. I started thinking about everything that we had been working with TD on as a growing teenager and how hard my husband and I worked earlier in the day for him to earn his way to attend the lock in and wondered if he really appreciated that?

As his mother I have tried to keep his hormones in check by talking to him about respecting himself and a young girl’s body. He goes through spurts of wanting to look good for dances vs. dressing nice for school – the way you dress is the way you act and feel which leads to how others see you. Did he truly understand why we would not let him wear his new Jordan tennis shoes that he earned from mentoring a younger player on his basketball team to the lock in? (Last week people were injured over MJ basketball shoes!)   Did both boys understand that having each other’s back and sticking close together was for their own safety and protection?  Or were we as moms being over protective and not letting our sons experience life?

No, it’s our job and responsibility to lay down the foundation now and raise them up the right way and therefore they should not depart from their values and beliefs when they are out on their own.  It’s our job to instill in our boys to know who they are in spirit and how each decision they make, will take them to another level. It’s our job to guide and correct with rewards and consequences to prepare them for life and these social settings.  As parents we are responsible for their mental stability in handling personal relationships and respecting others as well as themselves and to feel good about the choices they make.

So, when the phone rang at 11:59:45 pm and we heard J with the countdown asking to put the speaker on to talk to his Mom, he quickly pulled his cousin TD over to say, “Happy New Year and we love you!” As quick as that, they said, “Okay it’s too loud we gotta go”, and they did. Yvette then said,” Oh he kept his promise to call because we have never been separated on New Year’s Eve”.

 As moms we know we can’t shield our boys forever.  We can only hope that they think about their actions and know that they have the freedom to make the right choices.  Now, because of that one phone call, it tells us that they are saying, “Mom we listened, we’re alright, and we love you”.

Whew, that’s one night down out of the upcoming three to four high school years left in their young lives!  Next…?

 

 

 

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Parents, A Different Perspective on Punishment?

Posted on October 31, 2011 by Yvette

OK…so I
recognize everyone was raised different when we as parents were growing up. I
know of many parents who was on the receiving end of a good “talking to”,
things taken away, time in the house/bedroom, or in many cases a hand (or
whatever was closest) on the bottom! I’m not going to indulge in a debate on
what parents should or should not do, every child is different. I truly believe
different strokes apply for different folks (kids). Hopefully whatever it is
that you do, you are evaluating its effectiveness and minimizing the number of
punishments you have to hand out as they grow older. If you are still handing out the same
punishment and getting the same results over and over again…maybe, a fresh new approach might be in order? So, take a look at this….

 

Last week, as I typically do on Tuesday nights, I pulled up “J”s grades online (if you don’t
do this I would HIGHLY recommend it!…the only surprises I like is in a little
blue box!). He had all “A”s , one B+, and one BIG RED FLAG…. “F” in math! Now,
we knew he was struggling in math this year as he was working on bringing his
grade up from a “C”.  Now don’t get me wrong,  if that “C” was the absolute
best that he could do, then we would be OK with it; but we know better! This
class presented a challenge for him that he was not used to. God forbid he
should have to adjust and change his routines to apply himself a little more in
this area!  His timing could not have been worse, because about this time “J” came laughing in the door with his Dad showing off his best basketball tricks. I don’t even think the door closed behind him when the fun came to a stretching halt! I went off! In
hindsight I want to laugh because I caught myself asking him question after
question without giving him a chance to answer!  When he did answer; of
course, it was not “good enough”. When I was done, it was his Dad’s turn. Of
course he gave the calm “you know what you need to do” speech. In the end I
think we (or it could have been me…its sort of a blur now) stripped his privileges
of everything I could think of that was deemed as “fun, entertaining, or a distraction
from math” for him! The next day we went up to the school to meet with his
teacher and just so happened to run into the Principal (who knows “J” very well
from student council) and opted to join us as well. We  discussed our concern with his grades and collectively came up with options and ideas to help turn his performance around in this area. I’d like to share a few of the points they  discussed with us, in
hopes to give you a few things to consider the next time you have to punish
your son.

  • First and foremost we needed to address his mindset (his Dad and I own this). We recognize his strengths and opportunities. A few weeks before hand we bought him a book called, “Training Camp” by Jon Gordon. This is an EXCELLENT book to help readers understand what it takes to achieve the best. It listed 20 ways to become mentally tough (I typed themup and taped to his bathroom mirror to read every day). Our job~  follow up and reinforce!
  • Second we discussed the tutoring he started a few weeks ago. He was  going to school early to get extra help in math; unfortunately so were about 20 other students therefore limiting the amount of one-on-one time spent with each
    student. So, they gave us the name of a possible tutor that may be able to help.
  • We discussed with them our support and partnership with the teacher. So much that we have stripped his privileges until we saw improvement in his grade including try-outs for the school basketball team.  To our surprise they
    gave us another perspective:

 

They said studies show that when you take away things like phones,
computers, recreational activities, etc…that only compounds the situation and
kids these days progressively get worse instead of better! When we were growing
up things like that worked, because we didn’t have as many resources and
options as the kids do today. Our objective should be to continue to
reinforce his confidence and our confidence in him by allowing him to use
basketball etc as an outlet. If we keep him focused too much on what he does
not do well or like, he will not only come to “hate” math, but lose confidence in other
areas as well. Now, if he was a child that was starting to have very different
negative behaviors (coming home late, getting into trouble in/out of school, etc.);
those disciplines would be appropriate to gain control.

 

In the end, we are showing “J” we have a united collaboration with his
teachers and with him. We have to show him that we trust him and are there to
support him however needed. In order for him to maintain the busy schedule that
he has, he has to show us he recognizes his priorities, and will make the
adjustments needed to keep those priorities in proper perspective. He’s working
to turn this grade around, and we’re working to keep him on track! I’ll keep you all posted on the outcome!

Please feel free to respond, and share with a friend, family, or
co-worker. You just might help someone else!

Remember, “You don’t have to be
perfect, just present”!~ Author Unknown

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Parents, A Foundation of Love

Posted on July 14, 2011 by Yvette

I remember when we announced to our family that we were going to have a baby. My Grandmother told me , “If you are restless, stressed, and not at peace; your son will be the same when he arrives”.  All the “new mother” books, magazines, and current  information tells us to ensure we are singing, talking to, and creating a soothing environment for our new arrivals while they are in development. Many researchers found that early bonding is vital. The quality of that relationship can literally have lifelong implications on a child; and can even determine life or death!  

I read of a study that was done at Harvard Medical School regarding an over crowded orphanage in Romania. The staff was hopelessly overworked so the babies were never touched (even when feeding!).  At that time the nursery was oppressively silent; no crying, babbling, or even a whimper. When the babies were physically examined at age two, the researcher found that the babies had an unusually high amount of a stress hormone in their blood called cortisol (in large amounts it is known to damage the brain). Growth was stunted and the children acted half their age.  It is suspected that if they do survive, they may never fully recover. Researchers found that in boy to mother relations that fail to jell, 91% of college men studied 40 to 50 years later developed coronary artery disease, hypertension, duo-denal ulcers, and alcoholism by their midlife years. Only 45% of the men who recall maternal warmth and closeness had similar illnesses. One hundred percent of the participants in this study who’s parents were cold and distant went on to suffer numerous diseases in midlife.  There are multiple cases regarding men who have had a difficult time respecting, committing, and loving one woman.  In summary, these tests support the theory that the quality of early relationships between boys and their mothers is a strong predictor of lifelong psychological and physical health.

It is said that early childhood babies have five essential needs:

  • Touch
  • Connection
  • Permanence
  • Nurturance
  • Reassurance
    Generally speaking  boys tend to pull away from their mothers between ages 15-36 months as it is typically a time that they are identifying themselves as a male and tend to observe, connect, and emulate more masculine traits. However, a great tool that I have learned to leverage is a book called, “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers” by Gary Chapman. Many people are familiar with his approach to effectively filling your loved one’s love tank.

He focuses on five main languages of communication:

  • Physical Touch-Cuddling, stroking, hugging, kissing, are all undeniable ways of instilling emotional power.
  • Words of Affirmation- (encouraging words); speaking words that let’s them know you support and believe in them (“I love you, you can do it! We’re proud of you”)
  • Acts of Service- Doing something for someone “just because”. Letting your son see you run home from work, ensure he eats before taking off to football practice. Single Mom/busy parent who never misses a game.
  • Gifts- Visual, tangible evidence of emotional love. Signify some meaning.
  • Quality Time-A portion of time in your life that gives your son your undivided attention.

Gary Chapman talks about ensuring you are loving someone the way THEY need to be loved, not the way YOU think they should or want to be loved. Many people think of these languages of communication as an area focused on adults only or husband and wife, but this will help in all relationships. Most of us are challenged when communicating with our kids, I have found this book to be especially beneficial.  I will address each area over the next several blogs to help you identify, understand, and evaluate each love language to appropriately fit each son. Stay tuned as we dive into each method of communication! I look forward to us all taking our relationships to the next level!

Please share this blog as it just might help someone else! Remember; you don’t have to be perfect, just present!~Author Unknown

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Parents, 3 Easy Ways to Set Your Son Up for Success!

Posted on July 3, 2011 by Yvette

When you are introduced to or see a young teen (a young adult for that matter!) and he looks you in the eye and smiles, initiates a hand shake, addresses you with respect (Mr., Mrs. , Miss), or holds the door open for you what do you think? I know the first thing I do is smile back, tell them thank you, give them my undivided attention, and say to myself and others nearby, “now THAT’S a young man going somewhere”! It seems so small, simple, and easy but it speaks VOLUMES about a young man. Unconsciously we think of self confidence, respect, strength, character, and humility. THAT is a young boy/man who demonstrates R.I.C.H (respect, integrity, commitment, honesty) values!

The mere fact that it is rare to find young boys/men that demonstrate positive self confidence, address adults in a respectful manner, and that put others before themselves leaves room for what was once the norm to now be deemed “exceptional”. Unfortunately it is so rare, that we get a warm feeling when shown respect. At one time it was considered rude to call Mr. Johnson “Mike”.  It’s gotten so bad, that as adults we don’t even correct them anymore or expect “please/thank-you”.

So, I started thinking. What if we narrowed down three things we could teach our young boys that would help create a foundation and carry them through life what would it be?  What would make our boys stand out and separate them from the “norm” thus helping to elevate their confidence, character, and level of respect?

I came up with three strategies:

  1. Look people in the eye, smile, and a firm hand shake- I can’t tell you the number of positive comments shared by adults from young boys doing those three simple gestures. 
    1. Looking people in the eye- Shows honesty, confidence, and respect. It helps people to read each other, and evaluate their level of integrity. If someone cannot look you in the eye when they meet you, I question their integrity, motives, and confidence level.
    2. Smile- Have you ever met someone and they did not smile? My mind goes all over the place! What’s wrong with him? He’s being rude. He’s an angry person (unhappy). Not welcoming or approachable. When someone smiles it starts to break down barriers and allows others to see your personality and confidence in yourself.
    3.  Respect- For himself, females, and adults through gestures:
      1. Respect for himself- Shows he feels he is of value by taking care of himself, and how he presents himself to others. Hold your head and shoulders back, and smile!
      2. Respect for females- Simple gestures: Open/hold doors for women, address them, talk to and about them respectfully. Walk along side of them on the outside of the sidewalk allowing them to walk on the inside. Dr. Michael Gurian said, “every time you raise a loving, wise, and responsible man, you have created a better world for women”.
      3. Respect adults- In today’s world, their is an assumption that knowledge and wisdom are synonymous.  Truly understanding the value of wisdom from grandparents, parents, family, mentors, teachers, pastors, etc. is golden. I tell “J” the same thing my mother told me, “your trying to go where I’ve already been!”  Wisdom is key! Show respect for this wisdom through addressing them appropriately; Mr. Smith, Miss Donya, or Mrs. McGee, Mom vs. “Sandy”.  Saying things like “no, thank you” or “yes, please”. They all go a long way and set a foundation for respect given and reciprocated.

Constant reinforcement of these behaviors/gestures by all of us will not only make a difference in our society as a whole, but will set them up for success long term!       

Just a reminder- “You don’t have to be perfect, just present”. Please share this blog with a friend, family, or someone at work. You just might help someone else!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

 

 

Posted in R.I.C.H. Values | 1 Comment

Happy Father’s Day

Posted on June 19, 2011 by Yvette

Happy Father’s Day to all the  Father’s all over the world!!

Whether you are involved in a young boy/man’s life; or not quite sure how to open that door, please take today to realize how important you are to the success of our future.  We truly believe it is extremely important to honor the Fathers (Father Figures) out there, but I would also like to challenge you to either reflect on how you have or are making a difference in their lives. Please take a moment to appreciate what you have been doing, or take time to think about what you COULD do.

We have an awesome responsibility to be difference makers, I applaud those of you who are, and encourage those who aren’t quite sure how to do that to open a door that may save one more young life. What a great opportunity you have to be an invaluable contributor to our next generation!

Today our family honored our spouses, uncles, and grandfather! It is always so nice to see the interaction with all generations on every level. They are all difference makers, and I couldn’t be more proud of each of them for the role models, leadership, and Christian/R.I.C.H values they have demonstrated. It’s truly a blessing to witness and be a part of. For those Mother’s who are doing double duty, I have the utmost respect for you! Encourage your son to partner with you in honoring someone who is being a difference maker in his life. That speaks volumes!

Thank you Father’s for all that you do, all that you’ve done, and all that we’ve get to accomplish! Here’s to you!

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What a R.I.C.H Man!

Posted on June 16, 2011 by Yvette

 

My family and I are big basketball fans! So, I couldn’t let the opportunity go by to talk about one main character that surfaced during the final series.  For those of you into basketball your probably thinking,  “Oh brother, she’s jumping on the LeBron James band wagon too”? (the media would not quit!)….WRONG! I’m not into the drama!

But there are two great lessons hopefully many of us saw:

      1.  Money does not make the man.

      2.  Your never too old to learn; even when you think your grown and have “arrived”. There’s still hope for adults to still learn how to be a R.I.C.H” (Respect, Integrity, Commitment, Honesty) man.  Even if it’s a dose of humility in front of millions of people.  Sometimes we have to loose to win, let’s hope that’s the case here for LeBron and the Miami Heat.

What I’d like to focus on was the 2011 MVP Dirk Nowitzki.  Now, for some that are not big basketball fans, please stay  tuned!  This story has some take aways that will apply in most any scenario.

 I must admit, I was never really interested in him as a basketball player or the Dallas Mavericks (apparently I’m not alone). Have you noticed that every great person’s success has a story or a personal journey starting back with their foundation/childhood? Not only did I observe Dirk’s humility, professionalism, and integrity ( He had an opportunity to demonstrate all of the aforementioned in the press conferences and interviews); but, I became intrigued by him….he gained a fan!

Here’s a few quick facts/accolades from his resume:

  • Power forward for Dallas Maverick Men’s basketball team
  • Height: 7’0  Weight 245lbs.
  • Born in Germany; German Nationality
  • 2011 MVP NBA Champions
  • 1st European born player to with MVP in NBA history
  • Undeniably has the best step-back jumper in the league!
  • Founded the Dirk Nowitzki Foundation charity aims at fighting poverty in Africa

I could really go on, but it would take up more than the entire blog!  Coming from a family of athletes (Mother professional women’s basketball player, Father was an international handball player, and his sister was a basketball player and now works for the NBA in International TV) sports was “in his blood”. When he was 15 he was torn between being a tennis player and basketball.  After getting tired of being teased and called a “freak” because he was so tall (people made fun of his gift, no one’s laughing now!) he attracted the attention of his life- long mentor (and best friend) named Holger  Geschwindner a former international basketball player. Not only was Holger concerned with him as an athlete, his mentor encouraged Dirk to play a musical instrument and read literature to make him more well rounded and complete as a person.  To this day Dirk enjoys reading and playing the saxophone. When he went through a period of low grades, training was put on the back burner until they were bought up to standard. After working with Dirk for a year and seeing him dominate the German area, he proposed to Dirk and his parents an ultimatum; he could either increase his training to seven days a week from three days and compete against the best in the world, or stay a local hero and quit his training. (In order to be the best, you have to be willing to do what other’s won’t).

After a myriad of accomplishments in both Germany and the US and military service behind him, we will fast forward to him being the  ninth pick in the NBA draft after passing up many college offers.  He was quickly traded to the Dallas Mavericks where he was committed as the franchise player and the face of the organization for 13 years.

During the 2011 finals Dirk and his team endured skepticism, he was criticized for having been in the league for 13 years and never leading his team or franchise to a championship. It was actually depicted as a David and Goliath scenario!  I truly feel as the series went on the tide slowly started to change, the commentators started out as Goliath fans, as Dirk and his team played on with passion, perseverance, respect, confidence, and integrity we saw a shift in the recognition, and credit the team was due. They did not fall prey to gossip, insinuations, or illness.  The R.I.C.H man won!

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Parents, 3 Ways to Minimize Premature Sex

Posted on June 9, 2011 by Yvette

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alWJQ709Jdg

We were in a popular electronic store the other day looking at laptops with “J” when he wanted to show me an article with a picture of a young boy age 13 who just had a baby with the 15 year old mother. He called me over to look at the picture of the young boy holding the baby looking down at him with the mother sitting beside him. The sales person and I both dropped our mouth. My stomach literally turned!  Underneath the caption, the article had a quote from the boy which read, “ I’ll try my best to balance raising a baby and my school work”…..Uggg?! I have way too much to say about this, so I will just run down seven interesting facts found about pre-teens having sex (surveys taken from multiple sources with school kids from 12-17 years of age). But, before I do (sorry.. just one thing; I had to work on holding back my assessment and opinions on this particular story), I do want to say that my intent for addressing this not to be-little this boy or help sell his story but to raise awareness in an area that is greatly impacting our next generation and their ability to reach their fullest potential. Not that his opportunities are out the door, but he definitely has his work cut out for him (and his parents).

  1. The U.S.  has the highest rate of teenage sex in the industrialized world, 2x the rate of Canada & England and 10x the rate of Switzerland.
  2. Teen sex has dropped from 53% of teens having sex in 1998 to 47% in 2003. There was also a significant decrease of 6% in pre-teen pregnancy (age 12-14) note from 2008 to 2009 due to the increase use of condoms.
  3. Teen age pregnancy costs the U.S. $9Billlion (welfare and sector health care) a year.
  4. Boys born to teen Moms are more likely to end up in prison
  5. Six to ten boys wish they would have waited to have sex
  6. Six in ten boys believe they are “expected” to have sex
  7. Among teens age 15-17 years of age (100 kids surveyed) who have never had sexual intercourse stated their choice for waiting was based on : 94% concerned about pregnancy (influencing their decision to wait); 92% concerned about HIV/AIDS; and 91% felt they are too young.

I was excited to read about the decline in teen pregnancy when I learned that it was largely due to the fact that kids are using condoms more often.  I learned that as kids grow older they tend to be more responsible by using condoms (they’re less spontaneous than the younger teens). One of the answers Switzerland came up with based on research was to market a new condom specifically for boys 12 years of age and UNDER called “Hot Shot”.  I was really torn when I read this as it appeared many parents were by their comments. I thought….WOW. Is this what we’re coming to? It’s almost like saying to a drug addict, if you’re going to do drugs, here’s a clean needle?  We’re damned if we do…and damned if we don’t!

 As I read various stories about why pre-teens are have sex it really prompted me to do some thinking about what we can do to get in FRONT of this situation.

 Noted risk factors for teen pregnancy include:

  • Having sexual intercourse at a younger age (kids are starting earlier)
  • Poor school performance
  • Economic disadvantage
  • Single or teen parents

                                                                                                                                           

I have heard many stories of pre-teens having sex, and personally I boil it down to three main factors:

  1. They are easily coerced by the opposite sex or peers-

We talk a lot about the pressure girls are under (I am certainly NOT minimizing this issue); but, as we learned earlier, six in ten boys believe they are “expected” to have sex. Unfortunately this not only stems from peers at school, but there are also fathers that praise their boys for “advancing to second  base, third base, etc.” with a girl. What message are we sending?

2.       Self-Confidence/sense of values -

This is the area we are most passionate about here at From Mommy To Manhood. Again, this is not just about the girl having a sense of self-worth, but for the boys as well (not as common to talk about). If they have/understand that they have a mandate on their life, it helps when trying to keep them focused on what is truly important right now; and girls aren’t on the agenda! Instead of getting turned on by girls that make advances (let’s face it, girls have become a lot more aggressive in pursuing guys these days); it could become a turn off. Help him understand that not going along with what “everyone else is doing” does not make him less of a person; it makes him a strong person.

 Knowing and understanding your family values ( our foundation is based on Christian values) and who they are helps to create the foundation for a consistent approach to many subjects/issues. We’ve already started talking about the characteristics/ R.I.C.H values of “J”s future wife. My hope is that those values will play in his selection of a girlfriend ….Way…down…the road!

3.       Education-

Continue to take the opportunities to learn from others. Ensure he is informed about what is true about sex and what is not. For example; a friend told me their teenage son was approached by a girl in the boys bathroom and she told him she would not get pregnant if they had sex a certain way. For some boys that might be tempting. Help him to see and understand the big picture.

As we’ve mentioned many times over, raising our boys is no easy task! Remember parents, we don’t have to be perfect (Lord knows none of us are); just present! I encourage everyone to stay aware, involved, and informed. Please share this blog with friends, family, and co-workers as you just might help someone else!

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Parents, let’s start a summer of dreams!

Posted on May 30, 2011 by Yvette

Phew!  Another  school year wrapped up! I was talking with a mother of two boys ages nine and fourteen. She was asking me about some of the camps “J” would be attending this year, and she made the comment that I hear so many mothers make. “I just don’t want them sitting around all day playing video games and watching TV!”

I absolutely agree!  There are a lot of parents that have the summer planned out with vacations, camps, in some cases summer school (if that hasn’t been cut out of the state budgets yet) etc. ; but what will they do in between time? Sleep in? Do a few chores around the house (that they will most likely do 15 min. before you get home)? How are they spending their valuable time?  While I am a big believer that the summer time should be a time to unwind, enjoy, and relax a little I’m thinking….why not kill two birds with one stone? Identify a goal that they may have or something they enjoy doing:

  • Saving money to buy something they’ve always wanted
  • Start saving money toward their college education (never too early to start)
  • Learning more about a specific aspiration/goal
  • Exercise (movement other than their thumbs and fingers!)
  • Specific Trade (open up other possibilities; learning something new)
  • Develop a work ethic! (OK..maybe not their goal, but it won’t kill ‘em!)

These are all things that can be fun and motivating to do whether it’s a job/responsibility that they attend daily or 2-4 times a week. I have seen young entrepreneurs start planning and learning as early as age eight or nine! One mother (as seen on popular TV show “Young Icons”) talked about knowing her son was destined to be a business man (now age 13) because he started planning to run a hotel at age eight! He actually planned how all areas of the business would run down to creating the invoices.

Now, of course not all boys will be young businessmen, but I guarantee you, there are several “nuggets” inside each and every one of them if you really look.

 What do I mean by nuggets? Key indicators that give you a glimpse of his future/potential:

  • Tendencies/Behaviors- what is he drawn too? Sports, science, arts, acting, music, animals, etc.
  • Skill Sets/Traits- Athletic, strategic/business analysis, creative, leadership, strong interpersonal skills (gets along with everyone; people gravitate to him), etc.
  • Motivators- What pumps him up? Does he get into music, sports, dancing, skateboarding, running?

What if you took all this great information you’ve identified about your son and helped him come up with a job for the summer! He could either make money towards a goal, work on a project/ experiment, or  volunteer somewhere to either share his knowledge (little kids camp at church, sports, animal shelter, or day care facility like Boys and Girls Clubs of America) or learn something new like working in a museum, farm, or fitness center. Talk about building a personal resume! How awesome would it be for them to tell everyone at school in the fall that they not only went on a family trip (or just spent structured time with his family wasn’t a drag), but had a job over the summer that he actually enjoyed! He would learn responsibility for himself, others, team work, financial accountability, and learn more in depth about a specific trade. Even if he could not actually be hands on in the specific job/area, being around it, gaining respect of the workers (opening doors for themselves), and the privilege of access to various parts of the business/facility will definitely beat staying at home and watching the same videos day after day!

While there are restrictions by the federal labor laws as to the type of work kids can do, there are many jobs that they can do to either generate cash flow or create volunteer opportunities to learn for kids 10 years old and up(based on his maturity):

  • Babysitting- Less expensive for most parents to hire in house vs. paying for daycare. Rates are negotiable and typically paid by the hour.
  • Paper Route- Great short routes for kids in their neighborhood; can easily get around on a bike or walking.
  • Acting- Great local opportunities (commercials/modeling) with great pay. Check with local agencies. Not all actors have to go to Hollywood to work.
  • Family Business-  Not allowed to operate heavy machinery; but can work in a family run business. Children younger than age 13 can help by stuffing envelopes, wrapping packages, filing,  administrative work.
  • Pet Care/Work on a farm- Walking dogs/pets; taking care of pets while families are on vacationor working on a farm with horses and other animals.
  • Start a Franchise- lemon-aid stand franchise (yes, I’ve seen this happen and produce money within a neighborhood (multiple stands)-with parental support of course!
  • Handcrafts- Making and selling goods (on E-bay)
  • Car Wash- Advertise in neighborhood; go house to house (owners don’t have to leave their home). Develop following (soon they will be calling you!). Ensure they are educated on safety!
  • Lawn Care- House to house; develop following= repeat business
  • Cleaning garages- Good short term job (will need to lean on referrals for business growth; not much repeat opportunity).
  • Designing websites- Many teen millionaires have made it big here starting with their friends and family!
  • Volunteer work- Again identify an area of interest. Ask if they need any help either directly or indirectly, anything to gain exposure.  Volunteering to work speaks volumes about a young eager person wanting to grow and learn! Great for referrals and references.

So, if your thinking, “what is he going to do with himself this summer?” Help him make it a summer he won’t forget…the summer he REALLY started to pursue his DREAMS!

Remember- You don’t have to be perfect, just present ~Author Unknown. Please share this blog with friends , family, and co-workers, you just might help someone else!

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Parents, 5 ways to help light his path…

Posted on May 15, 2011 by Yvette

Donya  and I have received  A LOT of  positive feedback on our blogs pertaining to helping boys make better decisions.  Our first article was called, “10 Ways to help boys make better choices”. We talked about  10 behaviors parents needed to take on to be the example, role model, and authority boys needed in their life to help them make better choices down the road.  The second blog was called, “Parents…Let ‘em figure it out themselves. Here we discussed Parents stepping back and allowing them to make decisions understanding and experiencing the rewards and consequences that go along with those decisions made.  Parents wanted more information around these topics, so being as curious as you are, we did a little more digging for all of us!

According to research conducted by multiple resources there is consistent conclusion that preteens and teens make 50% of their decisions based on peer influence (so it behooves us to stay close to who they are hanging around with,  and identify if their values line up with yours).  Socially they need positive relationships with the same sex. They have intense loyalty to peer groups. Anyone outside of that peer group…WATCH OUT! Family authority is a crucial factor in making life decisions at this time. They are very volatile now: confusion, anxiety, anger, and emotional shifts all come and go. They need constant words of affirmation because their perception of themselves shifts so often. Forty percent of children surveyed feel their opinions do not matter to their parents, BUT…the best news is that parents are still the #1 influence in their children’s lives!   Morally and ethically they (focused age is 12-13 years old) are very idealistic. They have a strong sense of fairness, curiosities about unique or different ideologies than their own and will often explore new life questions without discussions with their parents or caregivers.

So with all that said, we have 5 steps you can use to help our boys to make those tough decisions. Whether it be around what classes to select, how they are going to spend their summer, or whether to pursue a goal/dream. Help them to structure their thought process as such:

  1. Know when you need to know the decision. Time is pressure; we can’t control. You don’t ever want to make an important decision overnight and under pressure if you can help it.
  2. Ensure they have no more than two-three REALISTIC options to choose from. Use process of elimination to reduce his options.
  3. Seek wisdom.  Pray, consult counselors, teachers, parent’s opinions, or another authority in the situation that can paint a clear honest picture to determine what is best for him.
  4. Physically write down the pros and cons. This usually helps to visually see the best option.
  5.  Rest on his final decision for a few days/weeks. If he is at peace with his decision and he can start to see things already panning out and falling into place, he’s probably made a pretty good decision. If he is still stressed, and fighting with his decision. He needs to go back to the drawing board to re-evaluate.

Our boys need to see us as parents taking a structured approach to making important decisions. If we model the behavior, they will follow (and we don’t look like hypocrites!).  Allow them to be involved (get their opinions; not make decisions) when it comes to family matters that they can be a part of (ex: family vacations,  remember, they don’t run the house… we do). Acknowledge their opinions, encourage their input and thought process to boost their confidence then let them know what decision you made and why.

I wanted to leave you with a few tips to consider if you identify your son is struggling with making a decision.

When is it time for a parent to STEP-IN? “Steppin’ in sound”

  • Re-evaluate whether this issue should actually be an opinion vs. a decision? As parents we can see the big picture. We can look long term with a clearer perspective vs. short term reward.  Some of the challenges I hear about are parents giving their sons too many options and room to make decisions they are not ready to make. It could be they are not old enough, mature enough, or educated enough to make a decision that’s in their best interest in the long run.
  • Evaluate the impact of the reward or consequence. In some cases we can do more damage than good. What if the reward is something they are not mature enough to handle? What if the consequence damages his future or confidence? We could set them back rather than setting them up for success.
  • If a decision is made and you see them experiencing major struggle causing them to be overly stressed and unhappy rather than at peace, its time to step in!  This does not necessarily mean you make it all go away, but you step in to make adjustments or to help them understand we all make mistakes. OR, maybe it wasn’t a mistake, it was meant for him to experience to appreciate another option? His self-confidence is very sensitive at this point, so please leave him with his dignity, self- confidence, and self-respect. He doesn’t need to hear, “I told you so!”
  • If you see him struggling you may not need to pull him out or change course, you may need to show him how to juggle his new responsibility and all the other areas of his life that may have been impacted. He may have to fine-tune other skills sets like time management, leadership, or his circle of influence/relationships. Not only will he stay on track, but he is growing, learning, and becoming more- well rounded.

Hopefully we’ve provided a few points for you to review and share. As always remember, you don’t always have to be perfect, just present!

Posted in Dream Big! | 1 Comment

A Mother’s Day gift for who?

Posted on May 10, 2011 by Yvette

Well Ladies, if you were anything like me on Sunday May, 8th you planned to have a “true” Mother’s Day!

So let me define a couple of words by my standard:

Mother- A female that either gave birth to or played an important role in raising a child

True Mother’s Day- Traditional day all about ME, the Mom!

Like a lot of Mothers when I think about a traditional Mother’s Day the first thing that comes to mind is FINALLY, a day when I get to feel appreciated, loved, acknowledged for ALL that I do (I know…break out the violin)! But seriously, all the late nights (reviewing homework or preparing for projects), middle of the night medicine runs, early morning breakfast, all day Saturday taxi service, and that doesn’t even include a spouse, a career, a house, and a business or two!  And what about our single Moms who do DOUBLE duty? Taking one child to volleyball, another to basketball, and another to a party or function? Honestly, I have the UTMOST respect for you! I see you unselfishly give of yourself 100% of the time with little or no regard to your personal needs or wants. Mothers, I applaud your commitment, loyalty, effort, and “Super Mom”- like powers that meets and exceeds all expectations including your own.

This year we decided to do things a little different. Donya and I decided OUR Mother needed a special day. So we (along with my niece) planned a day just for the ladies! We decided to let the guys join us for a big family dinner out. It was a great day seeing how our Mother just indulged in the quality time with her daughters and granddaughter. With all of our busy schedules, that doesn’t happen very often.

As I prepared for bed, I reflected on the day. I remember thinking about a dear friend Dana whom I ran into a couple of months ago after not seeing each other for some time. She asked about my family and how “J” was doing. In turn I asked about her son who is now serving his second assignment in Afghanistan in the Air Force. Her face lit up as she spoke about how well things are going for him. She ended with saying,“ I just feel so blessed to be his Mom. Who am I that I was picked to raise him?”  Now, you may think that was admirable for her to say seeing that her son is serving his country at one of the most challenging times in our history, but I happen to know and appreciate the challenges she went through in his earlier days.  Thank God it’s not where you start, its where you finish!

As I reflect on our time with our Mother, and my conversation with Dana I got a warm revelation. If I take the focus off of “Me” and look at all the opportunities I have to bless those around me, it just makes me more of a happier, peaceful, fulfilled person.  I truly wish each and every Mother a happy Mother’s Day today and throughout the year!

New definition of True Mother’s Day by my standard- A day to reflect, appreciate, and bless those around us; igniting peace, love, and gratitude to oneself.

I wanted to pass along a small gift someone shared with me. I hope it blesses you as it did me. As always, please share this blog with a friend, family member, or co-worker you never know, you just might help someone else! And remember, you don’t have to be perfect…just present!

MOM- Because of you

  Because of you I believe in myself

  Long before I was a success, my mother made

  me feel like I could be one.

Because of you I feel safe

She made me a security blanket

when I was born. That faded

 green blanket lasted just as long

enough for me to realize that the

 security part came from her

 Because of you I feel Inspired

When she though I wasn’t looking,

 I saw her hang up my first painting

On the refrigerator and I wanted

 to paint another one

Because of you I see what really counts

A mother’s heart is a child’s schoolroom

Because of you,

I feel boundless

What did I learn at

my mother’s knee?

these four words:

She believed in me

Because of you the world is full of wonders

 It doesn’t matter how old

I get, whenever I see anything

 new or splendid, I want to call

“Mom, come and look”

Because of you I still believe in miracles

It was easy to confuse my

mother with my guardian angel

Because of you I’ve always had a safe harbor

When things got tough

I could always run to her

Years later, I still can

 Because of you I understand a labor of love

No one knows of the work it

takes to keep a home together,

Nobody knows of the steps it takes. Nobody knows but mother

Because of you, I find beauty in everything

 Mom would say, “See if you notice the rose in the vase instead

of the dust on the table.”

Because of you I dream bigger

“Be everything you can be,”

she would say, be anything but mediocre.”

Because of you

I know there’s always a way

Whenever we were down to

nothing, she found a way to

make something out of nothing

Because of you I have memories

to last a lifetime

Of all the gifts she gave us

The greatest of these were the memories

Because of you I am me

Mom, you have been my light

my friend, my teacher-then and now-

and more than that, my inspiration ~Author Unknown

Posted in Dream Big!, R.I.C.H. Values | Leave a comment